dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
she went outside...danced, got some snow, and put cherry vodka in it. she was so proud of herself.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
