I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
don't take offense to this but at the strip club tonight I legit believed one girl was you. almost hopped on stage and freaked out at you. you're a beauty.
Randomize
