while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I've fallen from my one moral pedestal
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
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