Um, I don't know who U MEANT to send that to, but yes I WAS going to fuck you. Instead you can go play Halo with ur friends.
Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
He texted me at 2am telling me to come get my American flag from his place, if that's not code for sex idk what is
Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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