you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
his balls ACTUALLY tasted like nuts
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
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