i've decided that sluttiness is like a disease, it can lay dormant in you for years and then one day you go to college and with all the booze and drugs and boys and time on your hands symptoms begin to show then one day BAM you're a huge slut. it's like how izzie had skin cancer and it grew into brain cancer.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.
The cop was yelling at you as you layed on the sidewalk and you wouldn't take him seriously cause you thought it was some dude in a cop costume.
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I don't care that he's really strong. I need him to make me cum not fix my back problems
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
I'm just happy stripping was the reason you fractured your hand
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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