Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
oh god my hair smells like rotten vegetables, sweat, and tequila. I wanna party with your neighbors every night.
whiskey
stop
tequila
you're fuckin up my ability to be a agrown up
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
We need to move to a different bar soon. When we're standing on the patio, and every guy around us has seen us naked...there's a problem
Good, but still not as good as the guy I banged in the ball crawl
He is farting the alphabet right now. In the goddamned restaurant. You don't get to recommend men anymore. Or restaurants for that matter.
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