I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
you're thinking of things to pack this weekend and you think Don King wig?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
I'm not entirely sure what we did is legal in the U.S., but I know that couple wont be the same
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
i feel like a cleansing fire is the only way to purify the house
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
