just survived the first fart of the relationship.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
Randomize
