I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
swear to god some girl just crawled out of the washing machine. this is intense.
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
critical mistake not lubing the nipples
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
