Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
chipotle is closed for thanksgiving... I am officially thankful for NOTHING.
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
also my alarm just went off. I am always amused at what time drunk me decides to wake up.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Just remember that no one else gets to suck his dick but you, feel honored. It's like the Olympic torch of life is being passed off to you and it's your time to run
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
