a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
I prefer the term 'tenderly watching'
such a stalker...
she wanted to love me. she just didn't know it yet.
Ketchup is God's man juice
god is playing jersey shore on new years on purpose. he wants me to play drinking games and die. i wish he knew how serious this is.
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Randomize
