I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I'm smoking a bowl with matches and a candle while my mother washes dishes downstairs. I thought adulthood was supposed to be different.
My whole house smells like Spaghetti-Os and cat litter. I think I've failed as an adult.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
