Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
He's literally cuddling with the washer and dryer.
I got a pots and pans set and a vibrator. Merry Crisis.
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