At least we lost an hour tonight! Less time to make a fool of myself
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Well I'm 85-90% sure that he licked syrup off my body, but no guarantees...
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
Oh hell no my vagina is on that screenshot
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
