so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
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