I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
