he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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