I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
You were too drunk yesterday to deal with me crying so I am too drunk to deal with logic.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
Whenever a guy asks me why I like weird sex stuff, I just answer, "Catholic School".
it was awkward when he was taking off my clothes and i had to help him undo my fanny pack
You were like a drunk and unconscious tickle me elmo.
Listen all I know is that mistakes were made and she stole the car and drove half an hour for food at 4 am
Randomize
