Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Did strip banana grams actually happen last night
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
Make sure you plan your visit for October. That's ACL festival, it's like every Bro in the country converges on Austin. My vagina wants to go hunting.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
He KNOWS ALL THE WORDS TO "JESUS IS MY FRIEND", I swear if he even tries to pull shit with me I'm becoming an actual nun.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
Angels sing when his face is between my thighs. I came 3 times before he even came up for air.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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