OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange
We have a bucket list tonight. Not done yet. Gotta climb a building
With a few pieces of metal and duct tape and a bong was created
There is pretty much a target on everyone's lips when I am drunk. EVERYONE
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
By the end of our first date my penis was pierced.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
