Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize
