I need to go to a fraternity... my boobs are telling me to.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
I hope he's okay, but I also hope he shows up with an eyepatch
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single
Is percocet and coffee considered a balanced breakfast?
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I just remembered how you stole the slinky from me. Bitch, I will NEVER forgive you.
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
