Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
When the people downstairs start talking about drugs, I second guess buying my drugs from them. Then I remember they are cheap and convenient.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
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