he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
My dad just knocked on my door and told me that my vibrator was too loud
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
