If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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