Just spent the rest of my time at that bar trying to keep a probs underage closet gay from touching my kitten to prove he still likes girls.
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
Randomize
