Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I just took a bite of a bagel at school and it tasted like weed. If I am high for my test in 2 hours I'm gonna kick someones ass
I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Woke up to a note written on my hand that read "just because he kisses you, doesn't mean you have to sleep with him"
next time, write it on your vagina so its more effective.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
Randomize
