My liver just broke up with me...
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
First night sober since New Years. I'm not sure what hurts more, the hangover or the credit dread when I find out what the tickets to Bali actually cost.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
The sex may be the only reason I like him. I've confused the multiple orgasms for feelings.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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