his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
Working on an important paper into the wee hours of the morning, and every time I type the word "situation," I can't help but think of effing Jersey Shore. Those guidos are now ruining my academic life.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I woke up to a quacking alarm clock and a rando in my bed. I told him I liked his cargo shorts. Fireball is not my soulmate anymore.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
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