I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Randomize
