Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
hes like bread. how could bread be dangeous
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Sooooooo, can scratch getting a pelvic exam by a man dressed as Woody from Toy Story off my list.
You need to write an essay about this experience.
He was even wearing the hat.
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