The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
Security deposit gone.
burned down garage with fireworks.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I woke up with a cutting board and a bag of uncooked pasta next to me.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
