so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Well there is another shower in Nov. So I have three months to figure out how to get some drunk space fucking. May need some of your mead
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
I almost had to fight a bird, and you know how scared I am of birds. It found that Percocet that I lost in the grass last week, I threw out my back when I launched myself at that little fucker.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
You probably shouldn't do that...but if you do take pictures
Randomize
