He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
theres 5 guys on the side of the road with beads and their shirts off screaming at cars already.
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I have four things I would like to do over summer too... Problem is they're all roommates
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
