Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
she sang that "this little piggy song" to my balls. and somehow made it work, with me only having two balls instead of five.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
Oh man, are we repeating last 4th of July?!
That shouldn't even be a question, it's a tradition now. Hope your manhood is ready.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Nipple rings and loofahs DO NOT mix.
Yo I get this girl alone in my room last night but she bounces cus she thought the full house poster was "weird"
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
Randomize
