I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
Once you see the odd facial expressions and noises a guy makes while he is furiously beating off on top of you, it kind of puts things into perspective.
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I'm high and having a granola buffet this has got to be the healthiest I have ever been
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
Dude i just passed out while getting head...she cried
Randomize
