haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
Dead. I am actually dead. Also, worst nightmare confirmed: throwing up in a four hundred person lecture.
Randomize
