he rolled over and started playing skeeball on his iphone after we had the best sex yet considering he only lasted 10 seconds last time.. im getting standards.. tomorrow. for now im just going to enjoy the fact i counted over 20 this time.
i told my doctor i had 3 partners and one unprotected.. shes a cute little indian lady i couldnt break her heart
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
on the way to the hospital you kept asking if we could stop at the bar first. then you proceeded to puke out the window
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
TGIFridays...stall number 1...drunk...send help
it's just not right when you're boyfriend has a nicer ass than you do.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
I'm naked in a forest ranger station right now
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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