All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
i woke up to something itchy on my head. it was his mustache. he fell asleep face-plant style on the side of my head. WTF?
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
It's gotten to the point where waking up in my own apartment is a surprise
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Randomize
