what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
On the couch having a debate with the dog over whether eating anothr sweet roll will make the hangover better or worse
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
I'm expecting you to come by soon and a magical night of sex and floating on clouds to follow.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
we had to follow your trail of clothes to find you.......
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
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