what if I'm pregnant?
smusmorshion
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
She was wearing a "Got Beer" hat and your bed had necco wafers all over it the next morning. Another story for the grandkids.
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
I see more hoeing in ur future
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
Randomize
