Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
You grinded on me in Jimmy johns to a madonna song.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
They're frat boys at heart and have sickly, dusty, rotting souls.
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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