new low.... made out with someone while peeing
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Any formal decision about whether we're planning to objectify naked women with daddy issues tonight?
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I made a powerpoint to trip to.
you are so studious.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
