he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
Who would have sex with her? She looks like she shops at baby gap
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
