the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Can you face time me. I need to know if this pill is xanex or ecstasy
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
