I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
Randomize
