Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
I have an excuse to be a whore in Mexico. I'm conducting an experiment to see if small dicks are caused by the poor drinking water.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize