We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
Randomize
