how come the more i say "don't get it in my eyes," the more gets in my eyes
you were chalanging people to drink the "worlds biggest jager bomb" - a VASE of Redbull and a PINT of Jager... is it no wonder you dont remember anything?
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
To sum up. The glass blower from the ren faire ate me out last night. Best ever. Go find yourself an artisan.
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
GET OVER HERE. HOTTIE ALERT
^^^This is why you should have charged your phone prior to going out.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
