Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
You don't come back from leaving a bag of shit on someone's counter Jill
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
All I want is a hot dog on a Saturday at 2:19 is that to much to ask?!
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I was so high I just stared at the papa john's app on my phone and cried
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
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