Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I have the worst wedgie. Seriously. Its horible. And there are people everywhere around me.
Slide your hand down the back of your pants and shift to the side slowly
...are you coming on to me?
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
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