well my last 2 orgasms were over shoe sales at macy's. what does that tell you?
If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
Randomize
