what kind of vibe do I give off that a guy i've never hung out with thinks its okay to send me a picture of his ball cleavage?
You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...
he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
He used a trumpet as a funnel, said something about valve oil, and puked all over the garage.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
For reals. He's my age and he still hangs out at his frat house & gets hammered every weekend. Idk if I'm jealous of him or if I pity him
She's walking down the sidewalk with a notebook, a pencil, and a box of cheez its while yelling profanities at small animals.... I'm going 2 ask her where she was before this.
Randomize
